my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
is it fun? or sober?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
