You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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