Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
