I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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