i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
