I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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