If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
