She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
