Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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