wanna go halves on a baby?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Green mimosas i think yes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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