Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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