im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
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I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?