Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.