so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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