do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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