Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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