His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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