im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
