her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
