Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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