When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
