i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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