Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
