I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
