I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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