you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
