Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
