She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
