my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
