So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
