Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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