You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
bring money and cleavage
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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