I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
