No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
