Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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