if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
