My hand turned me down
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
