I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
