Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
