I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
