I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
