There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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