do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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