thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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