My cat gives me a boner
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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