Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
