I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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