well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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