i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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