You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
