does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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