You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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