saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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