He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
