everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
